


Why am I hesitating? I don't want to be like this

by orphan_account



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Crying, Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, It gets better I promise, Light Angst, M/M, Mental Breakdown, References to Depression, Sad with a Happy Ending, Self-Doubt, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-30
Updated: 2019-08-30
Packaged: 2020-09-30 17:26:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,524
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20450834
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Renjun knows what it's like to be loved by the public.But now, why is he doubting it?





	Why am I hesitating? I don't want to be like this

**Author's Note:**

> author is venting their sad feelings in this fic :'D + title is from seventeen's smile flower!
> 
> i do not own nct in any form or kind, all things mentioned here are fiction and only serves as a venting outlet.

Renjun is crying.

He particularly doesn’t know why but he was just staring at the empty bed beside him then the next thing he knew he was sobbing.

It also just so happens no one is in their dorm.

Jeno is emceeing, Jaemin is on a solo photo shoot, Donghyuck is on 127’s american tour, and the two maknaes are filming for their Chenji content.

_Great, I’m an unimportant member._

He knows he contributes so much to the group and gives happiness to their fans, but he also believes he’s the member who’s just not enough considering their management is literally making him do nothing.

_Why was I even crying in the first place_, he thought, remembering that this wasn’t the reason why he initially cried.

_Oh,_

_I feel alone._

That resurfaced more tears in his eyes as his grip on the pillow he’s holding on got tighter.

Despite him not having any schedule at all, management won’t let him go back to his hometown unless it’s for “business purposes”. It also doesn’t help that his older, fellow Chinese members are constantly flying back and forth thus preferring to stay at their dorm when they have a break—which is really understandable.

So he’s homesick?

Not just that, he’s got the room on his own. Any member would like to have their own room for privacy, but he doesn’t.

It makes the dark thoughts in his head run fast.

Though he doesn’t want to be vulnerable and seem childish to his fellow and younger members so he doesn’t speak up about it. 

He wants to prove that even if he’s the only member who’s not busy, he still has a grip on his life.

So he’s depressed?

No.

_I’m just whining._

About a month later, they’re preparing for their much awaited comeback.

About a month and a half later, they’re doing vlives to hype up their comeback.

On the fifth vlive, he was reprimanded twice. On cam and off cam for (1) sitting at the center to easily mix the ice cream they’re doing and (2) talking about a fellow member, which should be totally normal.

Right?

_Right?_

_Why is it always me?_

Renjun thinks as fat tears rolled down his face, not wanting to sob and wake Chenle because the younger is now occupying the bed opposite his during the promotion period.

_No, I deserve this_. He closes his eyes and took a deep breath.

_All of them have given Dream so much representation, and I can’t even do a goddamn thing right when I’m given a moment._

A sob escaped his lips and instinctively put his hand in his mouth, trying to calm himself down as he listens to Chenle’s breathing.

_Fuck fuck fuck why am I so useless?_

_How come I could never do things right?_

_Would Dream be better if I’m go–_

An idea popped in his head.

Renjun reached for his bedside drawer and dug his hand to grab a familiar, shiny, yet untouched friend.

He quickly but quietly got up and headed outside towards their shared bathroom. Not noticing his two blonde fellow members who are distracting themselves in the kitchen nearby.

Still, he quietly closed and locked the bathroom door instinctively.

He then realized he was shaking out of… adrenaline? Nervousness? Fear? He doesn’t know.

He doesn’t even notice his hand automatically going in to his forearm.

Blood was trailing down his arm. Then eventually, to the sink.

“Hey did you notice Renjun going back?”

“I don’t know, I’m the one cooking how am I supposed to know?” Jaemin replied as he puts Jeno’s requested omelette rice on a plate.

“Well I think I saw him going in the bathroom when you started cooking? And he hasn’t come back yet.”

Jaemin chuckled at Jeno’s worry, then said “Alright want to check up on him? To make sure he didn’t fall asleep.”

They both then headed to the bathroom.

Jeno knocked, expecting an answer.

But he got nothing.

“Injun?” Jeno knocked again.

But then again, he didn’t receive an answer.

“Did he actually fall asleep in there?” Jaemin joked, trying to lighten up the mood. Though Jeno didn’t even give a smile on that.

_Something’s wrong._

“Where’s the key?” the way Jeno quietly and seriously asked for it made Jaemin nervous, like something happened that shouldn’t have.

Jaemin then wordlessly went to his room and retrieve the key, he also then wordlessly went back and inserted the key to the knob and quickly open it.

At the sight he’s seeing, Jaemin went speechless.

“Renjun what the fuck?!” Jeno exclaimed, his breathing short out of shock.

In front of them was Renjun just staring at the mirror above the sink, hands numbly placed on it as the razor sits on his palm.

Blood, dried and new, was evident in his arm.

_Oh god, he’s still bleeding._

“Shit Renjun, what have you done?” Jeno asked again as he immediately gets and throws the razor in the trash and grabs Renjun’s other, unhurt, arm.

“I’m sorry.”

“What?! What are you sorry for?!” Jeno impatiently replied, not caring if the maknaes wake up although at the back of his head he’s hoping that they would still be asleep, not wanting to let them see Renjun’s lowest.

“I’m just so so tired.” the oldest sobs, unintentionally bringing his blood stained hand to his face to wipe the tears in his eyes.

This got Jaemin to finally move from the doorway. He went in and closed the lid of the toilet, planning to have Renjun sit on it. But when he grabbed him on the waist, he didn’t expect Renjun to hug him tightly.

“I’m sorry. I’m s-so so sorry that I did this. Please forgive me I really didn’t want this to happen.” Renjun’s grip on him went tighter so Jaemin reciprocates it, wanting to let the other know that they’ll help him pick up his pieces.

"It's okay it's okay it's okay Junnie, it's okay to be vulnerable. It's okay." he caresses the other's head and feels him melt because of it. He took the chance and had Renjun sit on the toilet lid.

Jeno then knelt on the older's right side, the unhurt one, and intertwined their hands and leaned his head on Renjun's shoulder.

Jaemin, now with a damp towel on his hand, started cleaning Renjun's face first. Pushing his hair back and giving him kisses on the forehead.

It made Renjun calm down somehow.

Jaemin then dragged the towel on Renjun's arm, in an upward direction so he wouldn't hurt the scars on the latter's forearm.

He rinsed the towel on the sink and went back, grabbing Renjun's cheek and leaned in, eventually kissing him.

Renjun sighed in the kiss, feeling relieved.

Pulling back, Jaemin pats his boyfriend's forearm with the towel as light as he can but would still clean the blood, feeling sorry whenever his love flinched and tears rolled down once more.

Jeno somehow found his way to side-hug their boyfriend. His eyes were stinging and his breath shaking, but he's not letting his walls down because it's not his battle after all.

Though, couldn't we grieve on a battle that's not ours?

After Jaemin has treated Renjun's scars and wrapped them in a bandage, they went to Jeno's room and silently decided on talking and eventually sleep there.

Renjun leaned on the headboard while Jaemin is leaning and placing his head on the his right shoulder, Jeno facing their oldest lover and holding his left hand.

"What happened Junnie?" Jaemin started, albeit speaking softly. Renjun could feel Jeno playing his fingers.

He hesitates first before saying "I'm tired from doing nothing?"

"What do you mean?"

"I'm the only member in Dream who hasn't had any solo schedule. Actually, any schedule at all." he bitterly scoffs, "It made me think of what my worth in this group is, if I'm actually worth to be in Dream."

"I mean," he continues "I'm really proud of all of you, and I'm happy that in one way or another Dream is getting exposure. But I'm just human you know? I get greedy as well." he ended with a sigh.

"Junnie," Jeno suddenly spoke up "trust me when I say if I could do anything about this I would. Unfortunately, it's the management who has the last say."

Renjun hummed sadly at this.

"I really didn't mean to cut myself." 

"We know aegi, you can't control your emotions, we understand." Jaemin says and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

The night passes with the three boys sleeping soundly, especially the small one in the middle.

"I have heard people saying, 'Even though I've worked so hard, why isn't there any results?'" he contemplated for a quick second, memories of his own struggle with the same thought that happened few weeks ago flashed back. 

He leaned in the mic and added "Even though the outcome is important, the process and journey is just as important. It's in the process of achieving goals that we learn most and grow." he smiled satisfactorily, then introduced his first song for tonight's radio broadcast.

**Author's Note:**

> the last bit is actually from renjun's radio show! translation is from [ https://twitter.com/injeolmini/status/1166318267692011528?s=20 ] <3


End file.
